The Grade Demon

So, I don't know how much background my readers will have in dealing with race and racism. I've only recently started exploring it more in depth as part of my new job. But I wanted to share something new that I learned during the course of a training at orientation earlier in August.

When I was in seminary, I liked to joke that there was a little voice inside me that forced me to work really hard so that I could get the A. Not that I didn't have this all through school, but in seminary I named it "the grade demon." This is the little creature inside that whips you when you get a B+ or an A- at Harvard.

During the antiracism training, we were talking about how society is structured to benefit white people, and if you are white and don't take advantage of that privilege, well then, you're white trash. Being white means you have to live up to a certain standard to validate the racist system.

So I was wondering what that might mean for me, and I realized that that's what my little grade demon is about. It's what racism feels like for a white person -- the constant drive to be good enough, and better than good enough, in order to earn love. It's a repudiation of the grace that God has for all people.

White people I know usually work too hard. I remember one woman from college, in particular, who would always, always, ALWAYS talk about how busy she was. And she was always very busy. I started out joking about the little grade demon, but I've come to see it as demonic in a way -- something that's taken possession of us, driving us without our even really knowing why, without any sense of proportion.

This is not the way God intends for us to live. Yes, it is good to work hard, it is good to make an honest living, and it is good to contribute to society. But God has also created us for rest, for enjoyment, and for pleasure. Racism is not just a problem for minorities. It hurts whites, too. We reap the benefits of living in a racist society, but those benefits come at a high cost.