What to say at a funeral

I was at a dear relative's funeral last week, and it reminded me that these are not always easy events to negotiate. It's easy to say things that are hurtful without even meaning to. So in the interest of making life easier for anyone who's lost anyone, today you get some practical advice.

Here are phrases to avoid:
(By the way, I didn't hear any of these last week)

--She's in a better place now

--God wanted him back/it was God's will

--At least the suffering is over

--She wouldn't have wanted you to cry

Most of these are a well-meant attempt to help somebody feel better. But the point of a funeral, actually, is not to feel better but to take some time to feel bad about the loss of a whole person. Funerals aren't for the dead person--it's for the people who are left behind. We have to take some time to remember and let go. These things may or may not be true, but a funeral's not necessarily the time for them.

Here are some better responses:
--Have a tissue ready and listen.

--Let people cry as much as they need to.

--If you have good stories, tell them.

--Say what the person meant to you.

When in doubt, avoid cliches.

This is a hard time for everybody, but it can be a good time for remembering and putting meaning to somebody's life. Be sure to give lots of leeway--no two people grieve the same way.

Many blessings to you in offering comfort in the midst of loss.

(And if I'm totally off, there's a comments link here just for you.)