How Domestic Violence Starts

For a year after college I worked in a legal clinic helping women whose husbands were abusing them. It was quite a year. I've overheard people talking about domestic violence and saying that they would never let a partner hit them.

But that's not how it starts. Domestic violence is not really about violence. It's a campaign by a few sick men (and on rare occasions women) who want total control over another human being. So it starts with psychological abuse first--name-calling, insults, badmouthing family members and friends--until the victim is convinced that they aren't a worthwhile human being and don't deserve to be safe from violence. That's when the violence starts.

Some bad signs:
--Extreme jealousy
--Name-calling and put-downs
--Rushing into commitment
--Doesn't care what you have to say
--Isolates you from people you care about
--Doesn't want you to have a life outside the relationship

The love an abuser has for a victim is a conditional kind of love: "I'll love you, if I can control you." It is not concerned with the other person's well-being. I hesitate to call it love, although it can make for some very sweet moments, especially if that will convince the person being abused to continue the relationship in spite of the abuse. In this way, the loving parts of the relationship become just another way to control the other person.

What to do if you think you might be in an abusive relationship?

Unfortunately, the person abusing you is forcing you to make a decision between your love for them and your own well-being. This is not always an easy choice to make, especially after a campaign of emotional abuse. So take the time you need, both for your own safety and emotional readiness.

In the meantime, plan ahead--put together a packet of important documents--birth certificate, credit cards (make sure at least one is in your name only), some cash--and give it to someone you trust in case you ever need it. Think about where you'll go if you are in danger. How will you decide when to call the police? Remember--assault is illegal whether you know the person or not.

Finally, as much as possible, remind yourself that you are a child of God and deserve to be safe and loved by someone who cares about your well-being.